Is it cheating if both partners agree to be non-monogamous? by Joe Kort

I've wanted to write an article on this topic ever since I began working with a gay male couple who told me that they were monogamous. After several months, however, they informed me they had had a three-way. When I asked if they had changed from monogamy, they said, "No."

I was confused. Maybe I hadn't gotten the correct information in our initial consultation? I told them, "I thought you told me you were monogamous," and they said, "We are." Now I was REALLY confused! So I said, "But you just told me you were monogamous."

Their reply was, "We are monogamous. We only have three-ways together, and are never sexual with others apart from each other." Okay, now I was slowly getting it.

I quickly learned to ask what a couple means when they say they're monogamous. Now, in fact, I routinely ask each couple, gay or straight alike, what their contract is around sex and commitment. Do they have an assumed or an explicit contract, verbal or otherwise? I don't assume that every couple or individual who comes in for therapy is in an open or closed relationship. Nor do I assume that they have-or have not-talked about it.

Books on affairs have been exploding in the self-help market in the past 10 years. This seems to acknowledge the lack of conversation and openness amongst couples-gay or straight-which leads to a rupture in the relationship and exits from intimacy.

When it comes to open relationships, judgments are changing. Historically, it was believed, and still is, that if a couple was open to bringing in others for sex, that was the beginning of the end for their relationship. Also the thought of a couple in an open relationship coming to therapy has been-and still is-seen as one of the problems for them, even if they themselves denied it. But too many happy and successful relationships, both gay and straight, have open contracts around sex.

Meanwhile, some monogamous couples struggle and disintegrate for not being willing to open up their relationships at all.

It's not appropriate to judge couples for behavior that society does not believe to be "proper" for any relationship. The therapist can challenge the couple about open relationships and share their thoughts and concerns. However, if the arrangement is working for them, then the therapist needs to stand back and let them make the final decisions.

Open relationships are controversial, to be sure. Claiming that gay male couples can show how to manage them successfully is even more controversial, at a time when the issue of gay marriage is making headlines. However, many heterosexual couples' lives are torn apart because of affairs and cheating; and only rarely do these couples talk openly about their sex lives. This is far worse than a couple talking openly and honestly with each other about a sensitive topic like sexuality.

At a recent talk I gave on gay marriage, a group of Caucasian CEOs challenged me on the concept. One man in particular asked, "If we open the doors to gay marriage, then what's next-polygamy?" Interestingly, another man in the group looked at him and asked, "How could you be against polygamy? You've divorced three wives and are looking for a fourth!"

This debate is not about polygamy-which involves including another person permanently-but about episodic experiences. It's about openness, honesty and commitment to the contract that two people make. Heterosexuals have a lot to learn from gay couples about this.

In his book, The Soul Beneath the Skin, David Nimmons cites numerous studies which show that 75% of gay male couples are in successful open relationships. He makes it clear that whatever you decide as a couple you should be up front, direct and honest about what the contract of your relationship is on both sides.

Here are 10 things gay couples can teach other couples aboutsexual monogamy versus non-monogamy:

1. Responsible Monogamy
Here, both partners agree-openly and honestly-about keeping their relationship monogamous. Both partners should discuss and agree on what monogamy means to them-usually sexual and emotional intimacy with each other, and no one else. If either or both want to open the relationship to others, it's with the understanding that they'll both discuss changing the contract through intentional dialogue and both agree on it. This is something that could take many conversations. One hesitant partner should never agree, and the other partner should never push too hard.

2. Responsible Non-Monogamy
For an open sexual relationship with others, mutual consent of both partners is essential. Here, each agrees to open the relationship in ways satisfactory to both. Some partners prefer not to know about their partner's sexual behavior outside the relationship; others want to know, and many insist on knowing. Rules are important here. I have heard gay male couples say, "We only do it on vacation," or "only with people we don't know." Working this out is imperative.

3. Staying True to Contract
Never assume there's a contract on sexual exclusivity. Any couple should understand that by itself, being married and/or in a relationship isn't enough to ensure monogamy. Each may have different ideas about what "marriage" and "relationship" mean. So it's vital for the couple to mutually agree on a contract stating their agreement about monogamy, or non-monogamy.

4. Cheating
This, then, occurs if one or both partners stray from the agreed-upon contract. The relationship would not be in trouble over the affair as much as about the contract, consciously and intentionally prepared by both partners. I've noticed that for gay male relationships, cheating has less of a negative impact than for heterosexuals-or even lesbians, for that matter. My concern is that gay men may think that cheating is a "natural" part of any gay relationship and therefore, a foregone conclusion-which is not the case.

5. Playing Safely
When sexually playing outside their relationships, gay men are (or should be) very cautious about STD's, and use condoms. The idea is to assume that everybody else is HIV+ and act accordingly. It's neither appropriate nor realistic to hope the person you're with is telling you the truth-¬¬or how recently he's been tested. . Play safe, no matter what.


6. Fidelity without Sexual Exclusivity
In their book The Male Couple, David P. McWhirter, M.D., and Andre M. Mattison, MSW, Ph.D. (1984) write that among male couples, "Sexual exclusivity . . . is infrequent, yet their expectations of fidelity are high. Fidelity is not defined in terms of sexual behavior but rather by their emotional commitment to each other."

Gay couples often report that what works best for them is to engage in sexual encounters based on sexual attraction only and not emotions or affection. It is about sex and nothing more. They avoid getting to know temporary partners at any deep level, to avoid turning the encounter into something emotional that might develop into a full-blown relationship. In other words, any sexual inclusion is simply behavioral in nature, not relational.

7. Waiting Five Years
Many gay couples say they waited an average of five years before opening up their relationships. Much of my clinical experience, journal articles, and in The Male Couple all demonstrate that the most successful time for couples to begin opening their relationships is after five years have passed. This gives them time to move past the romantic love part of their relationship (which typically lasts six to eighteen months) and sexual desire toward each other begins to decline. After five years, they have bonded and "nested," and an open relationship is more likely to be a success at this time.

8. Renegotiating Contract
Another thought that gay couples have found helpful is to not make any contracts in stone! Theirs can be a living relationship that is open and closed at various points in time, with no hard rules about it. It's more important to know when and how to discuss desired changes in the contract.

9. Maintaining Intentional Dialogue
Effective dialogue is the best thing couples can do to ensure safety and trust. The best form of communication I have found is called the intentional dialogue, developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and explained in his book Getting the Love You Want. One partner is the receiver, and the other is the sender. One partner at a time speaks, and the other listens actively by reflecting back what was heard. This guarantees there won't be any judgments, interruptions, interpretations, or reactivity and defensiveness during a partner's sharing. The sender should speak only in "I" statements and talk about personal feelings and judgments, never presuming to know what the other person thinks. This kind of respect and communication is essential for any open relationship.

10. Knowing What Problems Can Occur with Non-Monogamy
When couples open their relationships, jealousy is bound to rear its head. I've heard couples, gay and straight, voice their anxiety that their partner liked the other person more, enjoyed some sexual behavior from the other person more, and so on. Resolving this, again, requires dialogue and safety between the partners. Knowing in advance the kinds of issues that an open relationship may present can help prevent some of these conflicts in the first place.

I think that when gay couples are having an open relationship, it's most important that they distinguish between emotional and sexual affairs. In general, men can have sex without being intimate or emotional with their partners. This is why, I think, gay men can do this effectively-not because they're gay, but more because they're men.

Some say that relationships are hard enough so why add another element like non-monogamy. If this is what you choose to do as a couple, make sure you take these ten precautions and keep a dialogue going. Do this, and you can keep heading in a positive direction. It would be easy to judge gay couples negatively from this article if you are not in favor of non-monogamy.

And remember most of all, safety and trust are imperative to all relationships. This is why contracts and dialogue are essential no matter what the topic

BEAROTICA

I am ...

I AM
I am an observer BUT I enjoy the hunt
I am passionate BUT I am not a dreamer
I dream BUT my feet are grounded
I am generous BUT I am not spoiled
I could be perceived as timid BUT I am confident
I am quiet BUT I know what’s going on around me
I am logical BUT I entertain intuition
I can control my desires BUT I like to unleash them
I walk fast BUT I calculate my steps before I walk
I am organized BUT I admire spontaneity
I am practical BUT I celebrate life
I am bundle of complexities BUT I am willing to unravel the maze for the ONE

I AM NOT LOOKING FOR
I am not looking for a BEAR to put me in a cage,
I am not looking for a DADDY to put me under his siege
I am not looking for a CHUBBY who only talks about making fromage
I am not looking for a CUB to grow him out of age.
I am not looking for an ADMIRER to dumb me on the stage, and
I am not looking for a CHASER to drive me to the edge of rage.

YET

I AM LOOKING FOR
I am looking for a big bearded BEAR with a kind heart, killer smile and sensual might
I am looking for a DADDY to cuddle with and kiss him good night
I am looking for CHUBBY to hibernate with and join the will to fight,
I am looking for a CUB to play, work, sweat and share with him the same flight,
I am looking for a an ADMIRER to embrace and tell each other" it's going to be alright", and
I am looking for a CHASER to snuggle with while we bathe under the candle light

IN MY HEART, BODY AND SOUL THERE IS SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE BUT FOR THE ONE, I WILL BE …..

The ONE who he wakes up next to everyday
The ONE who will travel in life with
The ONE who put up with his silliness as much as with his intelligence
The ONE who will fight with him over "something" but not over "who he is"
The ONE who will be THE TWO …
The TWO shoulders which he can lean on, cry on and … come back home to rest on

Amor y Paz

By: Anubis

Nameless love - By Rumi

Our death is our wedding with eternity.
What is the secret? "God is One."
The sunlight splits when entering the windows of the house.
This multiplicity exists in the cluster of grapes;
It is not in the juice made from the grapes.
For he who is living in the Light of God,
The death of the carnal soul is a blessing.
Regarding him, say neither bad nor good,
For he is gone beyond the good and the bad.
Fix your eyes on God and do not talk about what is invisible,
So that he may place another look in your eyes.
It is in the vision of the physical eyes
That no invisible or secret thing exists.
But when the eye is turned toward the Light of God
What thing could remain hidden under such a Light?
Although all lights emanate from the Divine Light
Don't call all these lights "the Light of God";
It is the eternal light which is the Light of God,
The ephemeral light is an attribute of the body and the flesh.
...Oh God who gives the grace of vision!
The bird of vision is flying towards You with the wings of desire.

(Mystic Odes 833)

I loooooove it ;-)

BEAROTICA

VERY NICE FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Besame Mucho

What Does "Genderqueer" mean?

Genderqueer and intergender are catchall terms for gender identities other than man and woman. People who identify as genderqueer may think of themselves as being both male and female, as being neither male nor female, or as falling completely outside the gender binary. Some wish to have certain features of the opposite sex and not all characteristics; others want it all.

Some genderqueer people see their identity as one of many possible genders other than male or female, while others see "genderqueer" as an umbrella term that encompasses all of those possible genders. Still others see "genderqueer" as a third gender to complement the traditional two, while others identify as genderless or agender. Genderqueer people are united by their rejection of the notion that there are only two genders. The term "genderqueer" can also be used as an adjective to refer to any people who transgress gender, regardless of their self-defined gender identity.

One Day in May - A Short Film

One Day in May - A Short Film
Uploaded by Aisha_Media. - Classic TV and last night's shows, online.

Gay love clip with great house remixed song - Greek

BEAROTICA

VERY NICE BLOG - LOVE

How to Get Over a Break Up

Heartbreak: If you're living life fully, you're going to experience it. Sometimes you leave, sometimes you're left, but if you were truly in love, the loss of it brings heartache, no matter who did the leaving. If you're looking for some help getting through it.
Read on...


STEPS

1. The first thing that you need to know is, it's always okay to cry.
2. Examine what happened, and ask yourself why. Don't assume that it's all about you. You have to make it clear to yourself that this is not entirely your fault - or maybe it's not your fault at all. Really thinking about the reasons it ended can make it clearer to you that it takes two people to start a relationship, but one discordant person is enough to end it. It may also help you avoid missteps in the future if you can identify areas where you contributed to the demise of the relationship.
3. Don't rethink your decision. If the breakup was your decision, bear in mind that thinking about all the good times you had may cause you to forget the reasons why you broke it off. By the same token, try not to second guess if the decision to end things was not yours. It's very common to romanticize the good parts of a relationship, convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren't so bad after all, that maybe you could live with them. Or that maybe if your ex could know just how you feel, s/he wouldn't want to break up after all. Don't play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and work on moving forward.
4. Keep your distance. Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, break completely away from each other immediately after the breakup. This means not seeing each other, no phone calls, no e-mails, no Instant Messaging, and most definitely no sex - not necessarily as a permanent measure (except where sex is concerned), but until you feel that you can converse with him/her on a purely platonic level, without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back together counts as an ulterior motive). If s/he tries to convince you to see him/her, ask yourself honestly what the point would be.[You may have to have some contact in order to deal with the practical aspects of things like moving out, signing papers, etc., but try to limit this to what's absolutely necessary, and then keep such calls/meetings short and civil.]
5. Accept your pain. Have good long cries. It's okay to be hurt and sad, and it's okay to feel alone. It's okay to feel like you have messed up - accepting responsibility for your mistakes or shortcomings is healthy and normal. On the other hand, you must also accept that you are a good person, and that you did your best and everyone makes mistakes. Of course, a stage of denial is completely natural, but acceptance is the key to being able to move on.
6. Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively. Go ahead and mull it over, as many times as necessary, within reason. Consider all the reasons you two broke up. Even if it sometimes seems as if there wasn't a good reason, there certainly was one - and probably more than one. Understand that you enjoyed being together for a while, but if the relationship was not what both you and your partner wanted for life, it would have ended eventually, no matter what. In this case, better sooner than later.
7. Deal with the 'hate phase'. This is where you want to just scream because your rage feels boundless. The amount of anger you feel depends on how antagonistic the split was, the circumstances (was there infidelity? That makes it worse), and how long it took to make the final break. You may resent your ex for wasting your time. You may realize that the breakup was inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed to notice at the time). You may even feel a lot of anger towards yourself, but let go of that feeling fast! It's a waste of time and energy to rip yourself apart over something you no longer have the power to change.
8. Talk to your friends. You want people around you who love you and who will help you feel better about yourself again too. Surrounding yourself with compassionate, supportive friends and family will help you see yourself as a worthwhile, worthy person, and you'll find it easier to get steady on your feet again with your loved ones around you in a comforting net.
9. Write all your feelings down. Write in a journal or write poems. Most of all, be absolutely honest and don't edit yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing it all down is that sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as you are pouring it all out onto paper. Patterns may become clearer, and as your grieving begins to lessen, you will find it so much easier to "get" valuable life lessons from the whole experience if you've been writing your way through it. No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself from having gone through it all with your heart open to both joy and pain. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you're meant to be.
10. Make a list to keep you honest. One of the best tricks to help you stick to your resolve is to make a list of all the reasons your ex was not the one for you. Be ruthless and clear -- this is not the time to be forgiving. What you're doing is creating a picture for yourself that will call up an emotional response when you feel tempted to think that "maybe if you just did this or that, it would work out..." Write down what happened and how it made you feel, being clear about the things you never want to feel again. ["1. She always put me down in front of her parents and I felt humiliated. 2. I don't want to go to parties with him because he's always hitting on my friends -- it makes me feel physically sick! 3. When I ask her to help with the housework, she says she's exhausted from sitting at her desk all day, even though I've been driving that cab all day and I end up doing all the cleaning by myself!"] And so on. When you find yourself missing your ex in a weak moment, and think you might actually be getting too close to the telephone, get out this list, read it over a couple times, and then talk to yourself, "This is the truth of what it was like. Do I want to go back and torture myself again?" If you're caught in a low-self-esteem trap, thinking you don't deserve better, imagine this happening to a friend of yours, and think what you would say to your friend: "Get as far away as you can! That relationship was no good for you!"
11. Get organized! Clean up! A breakup can signify a new beginning. Therefore, cleaning and organizing your personal space will leave you feeling refreshed and prepared for the new things to come. A mess can be overwhelming and depressing, and will just add to your stress level. The added bonus is that keeping busy with tidying your space doesn't require a lot of brain power, but does require just enough focus to keep you from recycling pain. Occupying yourself with these tasks designed to make your life better and easier will also occupy your mind enough to help you through the residual pain.
12. Keep fond memories, discard painful ones. There are all kinds of things that remind you of your ex - a song, a smell, a sound, a place. Once the grieving process has had some time to process, don't allow yourself to dwell on painful feelings or memories. There are probably things that are pushing your buttons without your conscious recognition. Try walking around each room in your house with a box and removing things that remind you of that person and/or the relationship. It can work wonders to clear your space of all these triggers. If you have a keepsake, such as a watch or a pin that was given to you by your ex, and it's a reminder of the good aspects of your relationship, there's nothing wrong with keeping such a thing, but for the time being, try putting it away for later, when you've given yourself some time and space.
13. Find happiness in other areas of your life. Whether that means spending time with your friends and family, taking that class you've always wanted to take, or reading every book on the New York Times bestseller list, remind yourself that a relationship is one part of life, but even when you are in one, there are personal pleasures that you can always enjoy on your own. Indulge in those things now. As they say, the best revenge is living well.
14. Stay active. It's scientifically proven that exercise improves your mood and alleviates depression, and the distraction will help keep your mind off your situation. Go running outside, visit (or join) the gym, or just go for a walk, maybe with a friend, and think of releasing the anger or sadness with every step.
15. Let go. Understand that there is no benefit in holding on to heartache, regret, and hatred toward another person. Realize that although it is over, your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways. You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn't work out this time, there will be a next time.
16. Take time. Find a place where you feel comfortable, relaxed, and which is far away from your ex. Take a moment to listen, and to be alone or with someone you trust. Remind yourself that, even worse than the pain of a breakup, is continuing a relationship that was not right for one or both of you.
17. Think positively. Now that you are single, you have another opportunity to find someone else to be with, someone new and different. You won't feel bad forever. Change your behaviors; that will help change your thinking. Soon enough you'll be feeling released and free, and ready to take on new challenges. Make sure that in every endeavour you remember to be true to yourself.
18. Be Yourself. If the break up was somewhat triggered by you, remember, you are your own person and nobody can change that.

TIPS

• Walk out of your heartache, knowing that you have done all that you can do, said all that you can say, and given as much as you can give. When you feel that you did your part as best you could, but he or she didn't meet you halfway, then you will not need to torture yourself with "what-ifs".
• Remember that your ex may be trying to get over you, as well. Be sensitive to that, and keep your distance. If you've decided to stop seeing one another, do just that: stop.
• Sometimes it helps to listen to music, especially if your feeling sad, but beware of wallowing. After a certain point, you're not helping yourself by going through it all again and again with the sad songs. Stephen Sondheim reminds us in his song "Into the Woods": "Into the woods and out of the woods and home before dark!" You can think of the grieving part of your process as "the woods": you may have to "go there", but you definitely shouldn't live there.
• Remember those old catch phrases: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", "Everything happens for a reason", "There are other fish in the sea" and most of all, "This too shall pass". When you go through a breakup or some other emotionally challenging time in your life, you're actually getting closer to finding real happiness because you are getting to know your true inner self. This may or may not include other romantic relationships. Whatever happens is okay, no matter what you choose to do in life.
• As simple as this sounds, be clear to yourself that you are actually breaking up. Too often the thoughts of possibly being back together will creep in, distracting you from the work of healing. Such fantasizing gradually eats at you and destroys your emotional well being. Accept the truth of your situation, and commit to it.
• If your ex has left you for another person then ask yourself: if s/he said s/he wanted you back, would you really want him or her? Would you ever trust him not to break your heart again? Would you be hurt, angry, distrustful when he is 10 minutes late calling you, wondering where she is, who he is with? Though you may believe that the answer to all your prayers would be a reconciliation with your ex, if it did happen, you might find that Mr. Spock from Star Trek was right when he said "You may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."
• Remember that this pain just has to be survived. It takes a season of time to heal, like a broken arm - there is no magical, instant cure or relief. You won't die from it, though you may feel like you will for a time. Endure. Eventually you will feel better, the pain will lessen, and you will be able to love again.
• This one can't be repeated enough: It's a good time to try something new. Try a new hobby, a style, a sport. It'll keep you going and moving on and if your brain is circling endlessly, obsessing on the details of your pain, learning something new will interrupt the repetitive cycle. Those dusty,rusty old gears need some fresh air and polish!
• If you find yourself compulsively checking your ex's myspace, Facebook, or any other social networking profile, help yourself out and use the Firefox extension, blocksite, which allows you to block the URL to that profile. Sometimes it also helps to take them off your 'Friends' list, or 'de-friend' them, at least for a while. Even if things ended on a clean slate, it can be too painful to see what the other person is up to.
• Your partner has a right to choose to be or not to be with you. Respect the decision. If your partner digs at you again, do behave with dignity. Taking the high road may be hard now, but you'll be glad later that you didn't stoop to the gutter, even though you could have.
• Every day, make sure to smile. Smiling really helps, even at the worst time of your life. You are free to be whoever you want to be now, without thinking "will he/she mind if I do that?". Nothing is more important than you. Love yourself, love life, and when you wake up, SMILE!

WARNINGS

• Do not contact other people who have been interested in you to make yourself feel better or get involved with someone else (emotionally or sexually) right away. For one thing, it isn't fair to them, as they may become the victim of your rebound. But most importantly, it isn't fair to you. You need to grieve, and you need to heal. Allow yourself adequate time to process before starting a new relationship.
• Don't look for so many distractions from the pain, emptiness, or heartache that you fail to process the emotions of loss adequately. You're supposed to grieve a lost relationship in which you'd invested yourself emotionally. Think about it - what kind of person could just say, "Whatever" and walk away as if nothing had happened? Ride it out - turning to destructive distractions like drugs, alcohol, casual sex, etc. will only make things worse, and can actually prolong the entire grieving process. If you try to hide from the pain, it just waits around the corner and jumps out at you as soon as the temporary relief of your "distraction" wears off. The best and only way to get to the other side of the sadness is to go straight through it with a clear head. Believe it or not, it's the fastest way as well. It won't be long until you do feel better.
• If you were the one who got "dumped," avoid the temptation to chase after your ex, ask questions about what went wrong, and try to "fix" everything. It will only strengthen your ex's resolve to push you away, and will make the breakup much harder and more painful than it needs to be.
• Never contemplate suicide. You are ending a relationship - and even though it's hard to believe it, you are not ending life itself. Give yourself time to recover from the shock and sadness without entertaining thoughts of harming yourself. If you find you can't shake these thoughts after a few days, then you need to seek psychiatric help immediately.
• As hard as it is to not think about him/her, avoid constantly imagining situations where you somehow get back together. This type of false fantasizing will just slow down the healing process and your ability to move on.

THINGS YOU WILL NEED

• You can do it without the following items, but they are highly recommended for the most rewarding (yes, really!) experience possible:
  • A few shoulders to cry on. It really does help to talk about it, preferably to more than just one person (if only to give your best friend some relief).
  • A Teddy Bear (for hugs and to talk to at 4am when everyone else is asleep.) That is, unless, your ex is named Ted. Dogs and cats will do, too, although pets may not always give you quite that loving sympathetic gaze and undivided attention that teddy bears are so good at. (But avoid the stuffed animals/gifts your ex gave you)
  • Hot showers (As much as you may not even want to get out of bed, much less get in the shower - *sniffle* "who cares if I wash my hair now, anyway?" - you will feel better after a shower, or a nice long soak in the tub. Hot water relaxes tense muscles, soothes anxiety and refreshes puffy eyes and swollen, tear-stained faces.
  • Paper and pens (a journal is perfect, paints and glue and other illustration tools, even better!)
  • Funny movies and absorbing novels can be a great temporary respite and laughter can really lighten your mood.
  • Healthy snacks! If you're one of the millions who try to fill that hollow sad feeling through your mouth (which doesn't work because food isn't what you're missing), fill the fridge with celery sticks and other light snacks that you won't regret later if you're nibbling nervously. (On the other hand, don't forget to eat! Heartbreak can often rob you of your appetite, but be sure not to to punish yourself and remember to think about your health, as you are the most important person now. Being ill from malnutrition won't help you be strong enough to move on. If you've lost your appetite, make sure you have the fridge stocked with relatively healthy food that you like, and make sure you eat enough to keep your energy up.)
  • Your sense of humor and your knowledge that "this too shall pass".
  • Lots of tissues.
  • Self-love. Even if you aren't feeling so hot about yourself right now, look in the mirror and remind yourself of all the good things about you. Breaking up does not mean there is something wrong with you. Find things you like about yourself. Lots of great people have failed relationships; the fact that your relationship failed says nothing about you as a person. it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it means there was something not working in the relationship.
  • Friends and family can be a great support system - you may find that the people you're closest to will do anything and everything to help you heal and be happy again. Go out to play with them, even if you don't feel like it - you won't regret it. However, sometimes this isn't the case. If you have unsupportive people in your life, you need to seek support elsewhere. Make meeting supportive new people who share your interests part of your new challenge!
  • The realization that great guys/girls DO exist, this is not the last person you will ever love, and that one day you'll find the one for you that you'll go the distance with. If you found it once, you can find it again. Promise. :)

____________________________________________________________________
For more resources :
http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-a-Break-Up

Pub Durex (Get it on)

Pub Durex (Get it on)
Uploaded by GayClic. - See more comedy videos.

Dangers at the park: Anonymous gay sex in Kuwait

They come from different countries and backgrounds. They range in age from early 20s to late 50s. Some are married, some are not. What they all share, however, is a secret. One so dangerous that if they are caught they could face jail time, deportation (for the expats) or commitment to the psychological hospital here in Kuwait.

Known locally as simply "The Park" the place these men gather is shrouded in secrecy and darkness. A clandestine meeting place for homosexuals, the Park is where some gay men in Kuwait go to meet others and engage in illicit encounters.
What takes place in the Park is public gay intercourse, starting from the early hours of the morning until short before midnight.

People don't go to the park very late at night for fear of attracting attention. There have been several raids on the park, and no one would want to attract attention to themselves by being there late at night. "It's not very safe, you never know what would happen," said one of the guys who goes to the place religiously.

What they want is understood by anyone who goes there: Sex. Casual, anonymous and often unsafe. What they risk is everything. Family, reputation, home, career and in some extreme cases, even their life.

Kuwait law considers homosexuality illegal. Article 193 of the Kuwaiti penal code punishes homosexuality between men over the age of 21 with up to seven years imprisonment. If a minor is involved in the action, the punishment goes up to a maximum of 10 years. More importantly, many of these men are married and they risk the lives and health of their wives and children, potentially exposing them to dangerous diseases.

But the rewards often outweigh the dangers.

It's great," says 27-year-old Kuwaiti homosexual Tariq, (not his real name). "I go there and get with anyone I find attractive." Tariq is married and has two daughters. He is gay though he is married.

Tariq says his family arrange his marriage, even though he didn't want to get married. "I only sleep with my wife because I want her to be happy. I don't want her to feel that I'm not satisfying her.

His wife is his cousin and the marriage was arranged before he graduated from university. To keep his wedding vows and maintain appearances, Tariq lives a double life. "It's very restricting. The idea of a contract is very limiting, you can't have your liberty, and you keep worrying about your family, and what if people find out about you?

Discretion and anonymity are key to the Park's attraction. Tariq says that he goes there because it is anonymous. "You don't need to talk to these guys, you just go there and you get what you want and leave, carry on living your day," he explains. "You don't need to tell them your name, you don't need to tell them where you work or what you do, you basically have no connection with them in your real life.

Even so many of the same men gather there day after day. Tariq says he stumbled upon people that he has been with several times. "They sort of circulate," he said, jokingly.

Some men find that it quickly becomes an addiction.

I used to go every single day for a while, even if I'm not doing it with anyone, I just go there to watch," 25-year old Dawood says. He points out that you don't need to give out any signals to people. " You don't need to talk to them about anything. All you have to do is just go there. Just be there, and they'll get the message.

The number of gay men who are out of the closet in Kuwait is very small, due to the fact that people still have their prejudice against the subject. Homosexuals themselves often think that what they are doing is a sin, and that one day they will repent.

It's not normal behavior," says Wael, a 30-year old Jordanian gay man. "Even if some people believe that it is normal, we are still living in an Arab society, and people still have their values and beliefs. They can't get rid of them all of a sudden. It has to take a long time.

Wael says that even those who claim to be open-minded will change their mind about homosexuality as soon as a relative comes out of the closet. "As long as it doesn't affect their immediate family, everyone is open-minded about gays and lesbians. But will they accept it if their brother or sister said they're homosexual? No.

Wael thinks that men who go to the park taint the picture of homosexuals. "We already suffer from their comments everywhere. They misrepresent us, we don't appear to them as normal people who only differ from others when it comes to sexual preferences. Instead we appear as a herd of wild animals whose only concern is sex," protested Wael.

A lot of those who go to the Park don't usually practice safety. "It doesn't come to you usually," says Tariq, while Dawood says he carries a pack of condoms with him all the time. "They usually come from outside countries, you never know if they have any STDs. And these people, they're like wh***s, they don't really care about STDs.

Tariq says that he never worried about STDs. "I think that what's supposed to happen to you will happen to you eventually. If I'm supposed to die, I'd leave this coffee shop right now and get hit by a car." He says that he does not like to think about him carrying any diseases to his wife and family.

The park is not only a place. It's a habit. The dangers are real and the harm that it may cause are irreparable. To the mostly in-the-closet homosexual community of Kuwait, the park may seem a place of freedom in a strict conservative society where they have never been accepted. But random sexual encounters without adequate protection are dangerous for anyone - regardless if you are in San Francisco or Kuwait or New York or Budapest. What takes place in the park may be known only to a few but the effects can have far reaching consequences.
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Source: http://www.kuwaittimes.net/read_news.php?newsid=MTI3MTUyNjA0OA==

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